Whats the glycemic index on semen?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
