I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
