I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
