To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
