I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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