from now on my penis is your penis
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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