Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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