I'm so fucking centered right now
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
