if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
