she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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