normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
