I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
