How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You work out of a Hotel?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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