i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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