he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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