I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
