And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I would fuck him just for his dog
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