I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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