I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Fuck appropriateness.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
