she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
