I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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