all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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