Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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