I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
