My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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