Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
