remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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