My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
