so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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