I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
