I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
