A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
