her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
