You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
50% drunk capacity currently
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
