I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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