Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
