I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
two words...techno handjob
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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