get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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