bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
