i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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