Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
