I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
