I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
