Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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