so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
