You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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