I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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