tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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