Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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