We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
