Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
